Who am I ?
-I don't really know, I used different names where ever I go, where ever I work. Usually I would prefer to let ppl call me my nickname, rather than my name..
Why am I tat way ?
-Maybe because I'm ashamed of myself. I think I do not have any confidence. Maybe it's my up bringing..
My upbringing ?
-Do I have one ? Do I have a mother ? I think I have.. Is she really my mother ? I think she is.. Maybe.. I think..
-Do i have a father ? Yes, by right.. No.. he seldom comes home.. in fact he seems to disappear into thin air.. Nope he is not dead..
Am I a legimate Son ?
-Yes, I am. I have a birth cert and my mum has a marriage cert..
What really happened ?
-I don't know, I had a mum who has depression, now wif increasing illnesses and which I think I had been infected with depression too lol.
-My dad( in name ) ran away or rather left the family with other women.. mind u not woman... womEn.. Lol how he did it ?? I don't know?
What I know about my Father ( in name)?
-Well he is a malaysian, married my mum (singaporean) not for pr status, not for a pink ic.
-When i last heard from him, he is neither a pr nor anywhere near a citizen.
-He did not divorce with my mum and he just disappeared.
-It's annoying.. trying to explain to people tat he disappeared due to women and not with women.
-I wish that, at least if he really ran away with woman or died or something tat i can explain easily.
Do I hate my father ?
-Nope but I do wish i had one.
-It seems kind of different, I don't seem to be able to hang around with grown men as I do not had one while growing up.
-It seems weird when i saw others with a father.
-It's not like he is dead or wat so ever.. He is alive and kicking and that is the weird part..
What i know about him?
-Mood swinger, do not like attachments.
-Does not like stupid person (i think tat's why i'm discarded)
-Likes to look down on people
-Likes to put up a good show in front of others..
What about my mum?
-After analysising the situation after these years, i realise that it was her depression that caused my ill treatment.
-I didn't do anything about it during that point of time as i thought it was what all parents did to their children if they do not perform well in school or if they misbehave.
-Every parents have a way or method to punished their children when they misbehave or when do not perform up to standard.
-My mum enquires different methods from different parents and used it all on 1 child, ME !!
the only son.
Torture methods
-I had a weak body and weak legs when I was younger, I would fall down even i walk on a straight path even as till now. Walking to me, was not an easy task even as now, I had to keep track of every step I take, if not my legs would not coordinate and i would trip and fall.
-Therefore i hurt my knee caps alot.
-Torture method 1 (taught by the mum of a butcher) take 2 beer cans wif the opening on top from the fridge( unopened) and force ur child to kneel on top. Very painful, would cause rheumatism in the early teens if used frequently. Effects to be seen during rainy season.
-effectiveness on the child whose mum has used it on him. A poly graduated currently working.
-Torture method 2 (taught by a mum of a gambler) items needed : 1 box of match sticks.
While the child is sleeping light one by one and throw it onto their bodies except their face, if not will get caught easily.
-effectiveness the son failed 'O' lvl "3 TIMES" and now become and odd job worker lol.
-Torture method 3 ( dunno where my mum learned it) throw ur child out of the housein the middle of the night. 2-4 am. It is so damn cold out there at tat point of time tat if they dun keep running around, they'll freeze to death.
-Torture method 4 (unknown skill ) while the child is sleeping kick or step on his face.
-effectiveness : I got an instant nose bleed, further beatings as i dirtied my shirt with blood.
-Torture method 5 (ultimate skill : humiliation )
I think most of the people watch cartoon, animes, you'll know that when the charaters are hit hard enough on their head they see stars. It's true.
Scold and kick and step ur child head right in front of his classmates. If you step on his hard enough, he will get a momentary black out and see stars or rather sparks.
-effectiveness rumors will spread, no friends for the rest of his school life.
The above mentioned are the bared minimum methods that has been used on me that had been drilled though the back of my head that I will never ever forget.
Every mother will nag on their kids.. rather buddha chants...
My mum has an ultimate chant.. the death chant.
Since primay 3, jumping down from my flat comes into my mind everynow and then.
imagine everyday or everyother day.. your mother will scold at you, being useless and ask you to go and die that comes with crazy beatings and torturing methods when ever she goes crazy.
She is still nagging at how useless I am every now and then , which is true considering my situation now and make me think that continuing to live is useless as i wouldn't be achieving anything any way ..
Sometimes... i felt so alone.. not lonely it's not bored or there's no one to accompany or having friends.I had relatives that i do not come in contact with, a father that i do not know, a mother that i do not know how to comment.
I wonder if i'm oliver twist or at least i would be used, or i would be of some use, or at least that there is someone that they would care.
Having a family is a thing that i have, but it is never there. The comfort and the warmth of a home at the end of the day with home cooked food that i never get to had or enjoy..
The joys of laughter that i hear from my neighbours while they only hear my cries and screaming.. The aroma of food at the evenings while i had my takeaways at staircases and play grounds...Kids of my age playing in the evening while i was locked in house only left to hear their laughter while I could only stare at the clear blue sky.
I get encouragement to look forward to live on but i never get the full support of my mum.. my only kin left..
Some say I should put the past behind and move forward, I tried..but I can't with someone day and night reminding a failure that I had been.
Who am I blame, as I had never thought that my future was always in my hand, that in order to achieve I had to depend on myself and no others, yet now, I no longer dream nor do i have any will to achieve.. or left to live...it was just eat one day .. live 1 day...
